


I fixed you and you broke me

by turva_auto



Series: Jääkiekko - ice hockey [7]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5040391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/pseuds/turva_auto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick fought just to give in. Or captain oblivious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I fixed you and you broke me

**Author's Note:**

> I will leave this story like this for now. I'm not sure if I might add other chapters in the future. For now it's a stand alone.

Jonathan Toews carried all his guilt like it wouldn't weigh a fucking ton, smile plastered all over his fake face, a carefree expression that haunted Patrick.

He knew the blame game wasn't getting him anywhere. He played it nonetheless, it didn't really make him feel better but it was enough to keep him up during practice.

"How do you sleep at night Jonny!" he wanted to yell.

He desperately wished for him to go back to his serious stony Captain face that had at least given Patrick a false sense of hope if nothing else. Everything as long as it would wipe the disgusting love sick smirk from his friend whenever he was around and didn't had to look at Patrick like he was a lost puppy and felt utterly sorry for him.

A smile Patrick knew wasn't directed at him and this made it just that tiny bit worse than everything else. Twisted the knife just an inch deeper than it was already stuck between his ribs, piercing the beating flesh of his heart and left him wide open bleeding with the dull throbbing of pain that not even alcohol could soothe.

There was no cure for the ever lurking darkness that slowly drowned him.

How could Jonny just move on with life and be that you-are-my-bro persona?

Why didn't he see that he was slowly killing him? So blind and oblivious to the obvious love Patrick held for him since Juniors. Hopes that he held close to his heart refusing to let them crash. But the band aid he clutched to the bleeding wouldn't stop the never ending flood of heartbreaking pain, whenever a smiley Jonny crossed his path.

 

Jonathan was in Winnipeg as the news broke on Twitter. He had no idea what was happening. One second he was on the ice playing hockey and coaching the kids class at the Community Center's ice rink and the next he was waved over to the bench and guided away by his agent.

They settled in one of the examination rooms the medical staff usually used as Brisson pulled out his phone with a serious face, opened the app on his smartphone and pushed it into his hand.

"Read!" was hanging unspoken in the air between them. That in itself was unusual, Jonathan avoided every bullshit around the internet for a reason, having Brisson now forcing it on him was totally out of the ordinary. Jonny stared at his team's tweet, brow furrowed in concentration as his eyes scanned the text in front of him over and over again.

 

_**@nhlblackhawks** : "we sadly confirm the news that **@pkane88** was hospitalized this morning." _

 

"Patrick?! What the fuck!" Jonny jumped off the examination table. All sorts of concerning worst case scenarios playing on his mind, rushing past with a mile a minute. "Why? What's wrong?" he asked immediately, his captain voice hiding the raw emotions coursing through him.

He had to stay professional. Patrick was his friend but still Jonny couldn't just jump on the next best plane like that and disappoint all the kids outside on the rink, as well as all the organisers of the day's event, including his parents.

He was scared of the answer he would get. Forgotten was dinner at his parents house this evening with his boyfriend. Blood was rushing in his ears turning the tips of them a slightly shade of pink. His eyes wide and with a glassy tint to them.

It was off season with the training camp only two months away, maybe it was just another one of Patrick's off season fuck up's, like getting pissed out of his head gone a bit wrong.

It couldn't be too bad, could it?

"Suicide attempt." Brisson said, his voice flat with disbelieve and layered with caution. His eyes scanning Jonny's every move, expecting him to flip his shit any second. Jonny stared at him eyes wide. This must be an ugly joke for sure.

"It's not April fools day." Jonathan whispered, staring Brisson down, waiting for him to drop the real bomb.

Maybe something like the asshole went skating on a halfpipe and managed to fall down and break a bone or something. Crazy shit that was so typical Patrick like.

Even a repeat of Madison or a bar fight would do, bad for sure but not as terrifying as the ideas in his mind.

"It's no joke." he confirmed matter of factly, jaw set firm, teeth grinding.

"FUCK!" Jonny muttered, blinked, closed his eyes for a second and blinked again, his body going rigid with tension before he hit his fist down on the table hard enough to make it shake and screamed on top of his lungs while shaking his head. "FUCK! PATRICK!" A cry so utterly heartbreaking and loud it set people into motion and they could here a couple of feet rushing down the hallway towards them, probably sensing danger of whatever sort.

Brisson didn't say a word just waited patiently for Jonny to get his bearings, making sure he wouldn't start breaking down every available furniture in the room in order to channel his feelings on these news. It was lucky enough that he could tell him about it at all, since Kane was his client as well, instead of Jonny finding out through Deadspin or else worse.

"How bad?" Jonathan hears himself ask even if he is aware about what kind of stupid question that is to ask.

You couldn't actually just kill yourself a little.

"I'm not sure, there was no further information yet but I assume he is in ICU. I called his family down in Buffalo and we try to get them on the plane. They should fly in late tonight or early morning tomorrow at the latest, depending what flight we can manage to get them on. All I know is what the front office told me like 30 minutes ago." Pat says with a sideways glance on his wrist watch.

"Okay, fuck this! Seriously fuck him for being such a selfish prick!" Jonny curses with a great trip down the french line of accusations that are so colourful, that not even Pat knows what they mean. "How fast can we finish up here?" he asks, lifting his head to glare at his agent. His gaze like steel. It broke no further argument, they were talking straight out facts now. Ice cold like the rink outside the doctor's office.

"Jonathan!" Brisson tries reasoning with him in a soothing tone, he usually only uses on kids or scared animals.

"Tell me! I'm flying down to Chicago as fast as I can. Don't you even dare to talk me out of it!" Jonny hisses in warning. Jaw clenching hard. Eyes not even blinking.

"Okay 10 more minutes and then get out of your gear and we get going." Brisson gives in and sighs deeply. He will most likely regret giving in but once Jonny made up his mind there was no way for consolation.

"I'm going to fucking bite his head off." Jonathan muttered and clenched his hands into fists, before composing himself, shoulders straight and getting back to the ice rink, Brisson trailing behind, sharing apologetic glances with the little crowd of staff hovering in the hallway. Still amazed as always about Jonathan's sense of perfection, he watches him pull up a fake happy smile in the tunnel to keep the level up and don't worry the kids, that stopped and glanced over to him with uncertainty.

Jonny grabs his stick and goes back to the drills with the kids, the tap of his stick maybe just a little off while he passes the pucks out, listening to the kids chirping each other, before gathering the group to say goodbye. Using his best captain voice he even manages to not make them cry about him leaving early.

It takes him no time at all to get out of his clothes and stuff everything into his travel duffle, Pat would have someone on the ready to drop it off at his parents anyway, if he wouldn't simply take it with him as carry on baggage.

Jonny didn't even bother with a shower, since Brisson was already canceling the media scrum gathered outside, so Jonny could dart directly into the waiting car that would bring him to the Richardson international airport.

Indeed he was more then happy to have Brisson by his side today. It wasn't the regular and simple calls to his office usually were enough to cover all necessities that weren't actual contract negotiations.

 

The only person not by his side was Patrick.

Little Peekaboo in a hospital bed back home in Chicago. Peeks who... Jonathan couldn't even think of it.

What had happened?

What had he missed?

What caused Kaner so much distress to take him down that road?

 

While boarding Jonny texted his loved ones before his head couldn't help but focussing back on the right winger with the big bright blue eyes and blonde soft curls.

"Why?"Jonathan whispered to himself as they taxied down the runway and took off. Uncertainty knotting up his inside on the awaiting meeting.

His hands were shaking as he got off the plane, walking up to the driver Brisson had arranged to pick him up to take Jonny to the hospital. By now anger had given room to fear and anxiety. How could he -the captain- have failed to recognize Kaners downfall?

Upon arrival he was already beating himself up, not even giving two shits about his rumbled up travel suit as he walked straight into Sharpy in the lobby.

"Sharpy!"

"Jon." his team mate looked far worse than Jonny himself, looked like sleepless nights and hard fought wars, that not even his perfect hair seemed perfect any longer.

"I just got back." Jonathan told him in a shuddery breath as Sharpy's hands came up to stop Jonny from walking further up the hallway to the ward Patrick was kept at.

"Okay, well I'm afraid to say you wouldn't have had to return." Sharpy muttered with a pained expression.

"What the fuck are you talking about!" Jonny bellowed, staring at him as if he just found out Patrick Sharp was a two headed monster.

"It was me who found Peeks Jon, and.. and he doesn't want to see you." Sharpy whispered, eyes cast down. The words were echoing in Jonathan's ears, bordering on deafening.

"Sharpy I... dude what the hell! I'm your captain,what happened? How is he?" Jonny's voice was shaking with desperation.

"I'm sorry Jon, I really am but trust me, even though Peeks is still unconscious he doesn't want to see you of all people. Just stop torturing the little man, okay!" Sharpy said, eyes swimming with unshead tears as he pressed a stained envelope into Jonny's hand.

What is this? Jonny wanted to ask before the situation hit him right in the face like a brick wall. He was holding Patrick's last words, Patrick's last will so to say.

 

He was holding a suicide letter.


End file.
